The Guy Who Turned Out To Be Dead

I remember the accident clearly: the screeching of the brakes, the smash of the windshield, the steering column crushing through my chest, through my spine, and out my back, the release of my bowels. Then nothing...

...Nothing until I found myself in an operating room with a high pitched tone shrilling in my ears. Strangely, I was standing amongst the doctors and nurses, looking down on a patient who bore an uncanny resemblance to me. Why, in fact, it was me! I had just realized this when the doctor pronounced me dead. Dead? I, who was standing right next to him, the way a living person would?

"But doctor!" said I, "There must be a mistake! I've never felt better in my life! Look at that gaping chest wound, the grizzly soup of organs and vertebrae, and yet I here I stand! Surely, the sign of a healthy, living person!"

But the doctor seemed not to hear me. In fact, no one in that room acted as though they could hear me, which seemed frightfully rude, if not downright sinister. I decided to find my wife who was always much more forceful than me in these situations, and would certainly clear things up. I turned and floated through the wall and down the corridor to the waiting room. 

My wife looked more beautiful than I'd ever seen as she sat checking her watch and tapping her foot as if impatiently waiting for the good news that I was not only alive but perfectly healthy as well.

"Oh, Marjorie, it's me!" I said. I tried to hug her, although in my excitement, I must have accidentally passed my arms through her, "It's your husband! Your alive husband!"

She must have been over-excited too, for she did not react at all to my presence.

"Oh, I understand, honey. You must be cross about all the worry I put you through. But that's behind us! As you can see, I'm definitely alive!"

Just then, the terribly rude doctor from before entered the room and spoke to my wife.

"Mrs. Corbblebauer? I have some bad news. Your husband is dead."

"Okay, thanks," she said.

"What a silly doctor," I told her as we left the hospital, "we'll have a good laugh about this once you've calmed down.

---

In the weeks following her husband's terrible accident, Marjorie Corbblebauer complained of strange noises at night, cold spots in her house, and objects that seemed to move when she wasn't looking. Eventually, her exasperation exceeded her threshold for mild irritation and she called an exorcist. When the ritual was complete, the priest was heard to remark, "That was the easiest exorcism I've ever done. That ghost must have been a real piece of shit."