All's Fair In Love And World's
Everybody knows me. Everybody knows Johnny Large Print. At least that's what they call me. But I'm not here to tell you about my nickname. I'm here to tell you how the skill that got me that nickname saved the 1955 World's Fair and cancelled the 1956 World's Fair.
But in order to do that, I guess I better tell you about my nickname. When I was a kid, the only thing I hated more than reading was writing. My pops knew this but his old man eyes had trouble reading the tiny print in the newspapers. So every morning, as soon as that paper hit the sidewalk, he made me run out to get it and start copying every single article in letters big enough so as not to strain his eyes.
At first, it took me so long I wouldn't even have time to eat breakfast before I went off to school, but pretty soon I got so good at it I'd have time for two or even three breakfasts. When word eventually got out (the garbage men in Grover's Holler were notorious gossips), that's when people took to calling me Large Print. They called me Johnny because of how much time I spent on the toilet. I can't remember my real name anymore.
All those early mornings ended up being pretty bad for my schoolwork and when I graduated high school I didn't really know what to do with myself. Lucky for me, an ad man from the Big City had heard of ol' Johnny Large Print and came to me with an idea that would revolutionize billboards. See, we had billboards back then just like we do now, but the text was so small nobody knew what they were advertising. We'd see a giant picture of a lawn mower, a loaf of bread, or a sunflower but we'd have no idea how we were supposed to feel about them. After I'd "worked my magic," as the ad man said, everybody knew that the lawn mower was a Jenkins Lawn Hog, the Loudest Mower In Dixie, you could buy the loaf of bread at Gebberson's Bakery & Tackle, and the sunflower represented the moral rot hidden under the polite facade of small town life. That last one was for Shoney's.
Those billboards were how the World's Fair folks found out about me. When the people of Grover's Holler heard the World's fair was going to take place just two towns over, we all got real excited. What we didn't know was things were going poorly for this year's Fair. Typically, a World's Fair would show off a bunch of new inventions and achievements from all over the world, but nobody had bothered to invent or achieve much of anything since the last one. All this Fair really had going for it was the world's tallest asparagus stalk and nobody really likes asparagus anyway.
One morning, some people from the Fair show up to my house saying they needed my help. They told me a beautiful lady had gotten herself stuck up on top of that asparagus and they needed someone who could write a message big enough so she could read it. I wasn't sure if I could write big enough for someone nearly half a mile away to read (that's how tall the asparagus was), but I would for darn sure do my best. Soon, I was hard at work on the toughest writing I'd ever attempted, not just because of how big the letters were, but because of how long the message was. It read:
"Dear Madame,
Pray forgive the forwardness of this missive, but we couldn't help but notice that you were precariously perched atop the 2607-foot-tall asparagus, the tallest of its kind and a true marvel of modern agriculture, and we would like to inquire if you are in need of assistance? Perhaps while you wait for rescue, we could provide you with a selection of delicacies such as a refreshing beet soda or batter-fried 'corned dog?' These are but two of the novel and tasterrific™ items debuting exclusively at our Food Court. Please feel free to distract yourself from your predicament by viewing any of the thrilling exhibitions and attractions occurring daily at this fairest of World's Fairs, free of charge.
Your Humble Svts,
The 1955 World's Fair Committee For Asparagus Safety"
This seemed a bit much to me, but the Fair folks assured me the lady would take comfort knowing she was participating in an event at the forefront of human ingenuity. At any rate, they had me write a new sign, along similar lines, every day and people quickly took notice. Before long, the press got wind and people started coming from all over the country to see this imperiled Pauline. The Fair folks even put up telescopes all around the Fair so people could get a better look. I took a look myself one day and she sure was a knockout. I thought that, after this was all over, maybe I ought to ask her out for a beet soda.
In the meantime, more and more people arrived, just to get up close to the big story, but pretty quickly they all became enchanted by the Fair itself. And it kept getting bigger: a scientist figured out a way to miniaturize my big letters so they could fit inside a book while still being bigger than regular print. So the Fair ended up with a pretty snappy invention to show off after all.
After a couple of weeks I was getting mighty sick of all that writing and that poor lady didn't seem any nearer to being rescued. I went straight to the head office and told those Fair folks that if they didn't do something soon, I was going to climb that stalk myself. And do you know what they told me? It was all just a publicity stunt! In fact, there wasn't even a lady up there, just the world's second tallest asparagus (five feet, nine inches) that they'd dressed up like a lady!
Well, I felt mighty betrayed by all this, and putting an asparagus on top of another asparagus like that didn't sit right with me, so I did the only thing I could. I waited until they were about to start advertising the next World's Fair and I started doing a little advertising of my own. I wrote out, in the biggest print I ever did, how all those World's Fair folks were phonies. Big phonies. Big as my biggest printing. And not only did I write big, I wrote a lot. I wrote so much there wasn't enough paper left for them print the newspapers where they wanted to run the ads for the Fair, let alone all the programs and posters you'd expect to see at such an event. There wasn't even enough paper to print the tickets to get in!
Of course, this paper shortage didn't just stop the Fair. Like I said, the newspapers had nothing to print the news on. Schools shut down because students had no way to hand in their homework, while teachers had no way to hand it out in the first place. Letter carriers had no letters to carry, banks couldn't cash any checks because there were no checks to cash, and file clerks had no files to clerk. Many industries died because of this, and thousands of people lost their jobs. I don't feel at all good about it.
But in order to do that, I guess I better tell you about my nickname. When I was a kid, the only thing I hated more than reading was writing. My pops knew this but his old man eyes had trouble reading the tiny print in the newspapers. So every morning, as soon as that paper hit the sidewalk, he made me run out to get it and start copying every single article in letters big enough so as not to strain his eyes.
At first, it took me so long I wouldn't even have time to eat breakfast before I went off to school, but pretty soon I got so good at it I'd have time for two or even three breakfasts. When word eventually got out (the garbage men in Grover's Holler were notorious gossips), that's when people took to calling me Large Print. They called me Johnny because of how much time I spent on the toilet. I can't remember my real name anymore.
All those early mornings ended up being pretty bad for my schoolwork and when I graduated high school I didn't really know what to do with myself. Lucky for me, an ad man from the Big City had heard of ol' Johnny Large Print and came to me with an idea that would revolutionize billboards. See, we had billboards back then just like we do now, but the text was so small nobody knew what they were advertising. We'd see a giant picture of a lawn mower, a loaf of bread, or a sunflower but we'd have no idea how we were supposed to feel about them. After I'd "worked my magic," as the ad man said, everybody knew that the lawn mower was a Jenkins Lawn Hog, the Loudest Mower In Dixie, you could buy the loaf of bread at Gebberson's Bakery & Tackle, and the sunflower represented the moral rot hidden under the polite facade of small town life. That last one was for Shoney's.
Those billboards were how the World's Fair folks found out about me. When the people of Grover's Holler heard the World's fair was going to take place just two towns over, we all got real excited. What we didn't know was things were going poorly for this year's Fair. Typically, a World's Fair would show off a bunch of new inventions and achievements from all over the world, but nobody had bothered to invent or achieve much of anything since the last one. All this Fair really had going for it was the world's tallest asparagus stalk and nobody really likes asparagus anyway.
One morning, some people from the Fair show up to my house saying they needed my help. They told me a beautiful lady had gotten herself stuck up on top of that asparagus and they needed someone who could write a message big enough so she could read it. I wasn't sure if I could write big enough for someone nearly half a mile away to read (that's how tall the asparagus was), but I would for darn sure do my best. Soon, I was hard at work on the toughest writing I'd ever attempted, not just because of how big the letters were, but because of how long the message was. It read:
"Dear Madame,
Pray forgive the forwardness of this missive, but we couldn't help but notice that you were precariously perched atop the 2607-foot-tall asparagus, the tallest of its kind and a true marvel of modern agriculture, and we would like to inquire if you are in need of assistance? Perhaps while you wait for rescue, we could provide you with a selection of delicacies such as a refreshing beet soda or batter-fried 'corned dog?' These are but two of the novel and tasterrific™ items debuting exclusively at our Food Court. Please feel free to distract yourself from your predicament by viewing any of the thrilling exhibitions and attractions occurring daily at this fairest of World's Fairs, free of charge.
Your Humble Svts,
The 1955 World's Fair Committee For Asparagus Safety"
This seemed a bit much to me, but the Fair folks assured me the lady would take comfort knowing she was participating in an event at the forefront of human ingenuity. At any rate, they had me write a new sign, along similar lines, every day and people quickly took notice. Before long, the press got wind and people started coming from all over the country to see this imperiled Pauline. The Fair folks even put up telescopes all around the Fair so people could get a better look. I took a look myself one day and she sure was a knockout. I thought that, after this was all over, maybe I ought to ask her out for a beet soda.
In the meantime, more and more people arrived, just to get up close to the big story, but pretty quickly they all became enchanted by the Fair itself. And it kept getting bigger: a scientist figured out a way to miniaturize my big letters so they could fit inside a book while still being bigger than regular print. So the Fair ended up with a pretty snappy invention to show off after all.
After a couple of weeks I was getting mighty sick of all that writing and that poor lady didn't seem any nearer to being rescued. I went straight to the head office and told those Fair folks that if they didn't do something soon, I was going to climb that stalk myself. And do you know what they told me? It was all just a publicity stunt! In fact, there wasn't even a lady up there, just the world's second tallest asparagus (five feet, nine inches) that they'd dressed up like a lady!
Well, I felt mighty betrayed by all this, and putting an asparagus on top of another asparagus like that didn't sit right with me, so I did the only thing I could. I waited until they were about to start advertising the next World's Fair and I started doing a little advertising of my own. I wrote out, in the biggest print I ever did, how all those World's Fair folks were phonies. Big phonies. Big as my biggest printing. And not only did I write big, I wrote a lot. I wrote so much there wasn't enough paper left for them print the newspapers where they wanted to run the ads for the Fair, let alone all the programs and posters you'd expect to see at such an event. There wasn't even enough paper to print the tickets to get in!
Of course, this paper shortage didn't just stop the Fair. Like I said, the newspapers had nothing to print the news on. Schools shut down because students had no way to hand in their homework, while teachers had no way to hand it out in the first place. Letter carriers had no letters to carry, banks couldn't cash any checks because there were no checks to cash, and file clerks had no files to clerk. Many industries died because of this, and thousands of people lost their jobs. I don't feel at all good about it.
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