The Haunted Library of Professor Creepenham*

 *original airdate 10/31/1936


"Ah, welcome to my library. I'm Professor Spookense Creepenham. Can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee? A chilling tale of the unknown? Of course, I forgot to mention, this library...is haunted!"

THE HAUNTED LIBRARY OF PROFESSOR CREEPENHAM is brought to you by Clytemnestorhoffer's Lax-O-Fizz. Ease your business - with Lax-O-Fizz! Say, Professor, you're looking awfully slender this evening.

"Oh, you're just saying that because you can see my skeleton through my ethereal robes."

And a whole lot more, wowza! But what's your secret?

"I simply mix two teaspoons of Clytemnesterhoffer's Lax-O-Fizz into a glass of warm milk or gin and unwanted pounds melt away like water out of a duck's back."

Surely, you mean OFF a duck's back.

"And I like the way the fizzy bubbles tickle my nose."

Well, you heard the lady. Lighten your duties - with Clytemnestorhoffer's Lax-O-Fizz! Now back to THE HAUNTED LIBRARY OF PROFESSOR CREEPENHAM.

"So, have you found a book you'd like to check out? You have, have you? Let's see...Horror Among Thieves...a good choice. It's about a man who betrays his partner in crime to claim all of the ill-gotten spoils for himself, only to be beset by otherworldly forces. But is there anything more terrifying than a man's own conscience? You see, it all began just after midnight, the day Ralph "Checkers" Abernathy and Phlegm Whitman robbed the KB Toys on Lillenalter Street..."

'I'm tellin' you, Checkers, no more toy stores. I can't stand seein' all them little faces.'

'Quiet, Phlegm, these toy jobs are the bees knees: lots of cash, hot loot, and who's gonna to stop us? The kids? You can just push 'em down.'

'But didn't you see the way that poor girl looked at us? Didn't you see the look in her little eyes?'

'Darn your eyes, Phlegm! Let's just divvy up this loot so can get a good night's sleep. We gotta hit that K&K in Turvelton tomorrow ...Hmm, the big lug's goin' soft on me. Always talkin' about the 'little eyes.' He's gonna get me a suite at the concrete hotel one of these days. But what if I don't need a partner? In fact, what if I take this here candlestick and knock his noggin into his pants? Like so...'

'Checkers! What are you doin'?!'

'Somethin' I should have done a long time ago!'

'But I thought we was friends!'

'Sorry, Phlegm, it's lights out! Because the candle will probably go out when I hit you with the candlestick it's in! ...Whew, that wasn't so tough. I just killed my best friend and I don't feel bad about it at all! Even as he looked me right in the eye. Well, I better gather up the loot. I'll leave the girly toys, though. I can't afford to get a case of the cooties now.'

'Wait, those eyes, looking out from the shadows, those glowin' eyes! Is that you Phlegm? But you're dead! ...No, it was just a cat. That's why the eyes were glowin'. Phlegm's eyes didn't glow like that. Boy, that cat was scary though. Way scarier than the spectre of guilt forever hauntin' an iniquitous heart.'

'That's the last of the toys, the boys' toys, that is. Better have a look around to see if there's anything worth takin' from this abandoned house we been usin' as a hideout...Nothin' in the living room. Nor in the kitchen. Nor the master bedroom, the guest bedroom, the lounge, the rec room, the rumpus room nor the library. The den's bust-o as well. Wait, what's this? I never noticed this attic before. I'll just pull this string, careful of the extension ladder, now I'll simply climb up, and put my head through the opening like so...the eyes! The shining eyes, starin' at me just like Phlegm did when I- ...no, it's just a skeleton. Just a skeleton of a dead guy with not one, but two glass eyes. That's why they shone like that. But that's fine, symmetry is important. Still, that was scary. Probably even scarier than that cat.'

'Well, there's only one place left to check. The cellar. Awfully dark down here. What's that in the corner? Two eyes! Starin', implorin', beggin' me but I- I- no, wait. It's just two puddles of slime reflectin' the light from my candle. That's it! I should scoop up some of this slime. Ever since that Ghostbusters movie came out last month, kids have been goin' gaga for goo! I bet I can sell it with the rest of the loot and make a mint! Uh oh, I got some on me, feels strange but I can just wipe it- oh no! It burns! And there's more! Where's all this slime comin' from?! It's all over me! Digestin' me! I'm dyin' just like my DM always said I would! But at least I never felt bad about killin' my friend! AAAAAAAAAARGH!'

"...And that's how Ralph "Checkers" Abernathy learned that there's actually lots of things scarier than a man's own conscience. Now let me just stamp this- Oh, you no longer want the book now that I've told you the entire story? That's understandable, but remember, you're always welcome at THE HAUNTED LIBRARY OF PROFESSOR CREEPENHAM!

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